LEARNING TO FAIL WITH ELIZABETH DAY
30 April 2019
I hadn't ever really been one to read non-fiction. I'd often find myself admiring the covers of the books my friends were reading or browsing idly over them in a bookstore before moving on. A few weeks ago though, I picked up a new non-fiction book that I'd heard countless people recommending: How To Fail by Elizabeth Day.
It's described as part memoir and part manifesto in which Day takes us through the big stepping stones of life; families, friendship, work, and dating among others and she recounts with humour and sharp insight the ways in which she's failied but, more importantly, and key to the books manifesto, the ways that we can all learn from our mistakes. Peppered through these discussions, are the interviews with various writers and creatives with whom Day explores these key aspects of our lives.
I sped through this in record time, pacing myself a little so I could take in each page. How To Fail was so immensely easy to read because for me, I think, because it felt like sitting with a friend who was good humouredly regaling you with their past experiences that you could both laugh over together. Nestled into the humour and often more serious patches of the books chapters is the important but gently offered reminder that you are not alone in your feelings of struggle and that you can always find the way to circle back to yourself and move on again.
In some poignant pages of How to Fail At Relationships, Day reminds us of the importance of staying connected to ourselves in realtionships and avoiding the tempting trap of people pleasing. Such efforts to be the 'perfect' person and to do everything right in a realtionship is a way of disconnnecting from being yourself, Day suggests. She shrewdly observes how some relationships' failures rest precisely on that loss of self. "If you don't know what you need, it's much harder for people to give it to you," she says, "And when you're trying to be perfect, you're not being truthful about your own imperfections."
Equally important for me was the chapter on failing at friendship, in which Day recalls the ups and downs of both childhood and adult friendships. She reminds us of the true heartbreak of losing a friend, and that it can be no less painful than that of losing a partner, but in that same vein suggets we take more time to appreciate how important friendships are. Recalling a time when she fell "deeply platonically in love" with a new friend, Day's reminds us to think of our platonic friendships as just as important and influential on our lives as our romantic ones.
As Day's chapters take her further and further into adulthood she steps into an emotional but, in my mind, extremely necessary and honest discussion about fertility and conception in How to Fail at Babies. Reading through it, I was reminded how disappointing and damaging it is that so many of us are not taught properly and openly about fertility and realities of pregancies. Instead, as Day recounts, we're taught to avoid getting pregnant at all costs up until the moment you want a child, at which point we assume it will simply miraculously happen. It was a difficult chapter to read in many ways, and very personal to Day's own experience as are other sections in the book. I think, though, that it is all the more crucial in that way becuause Day steps up again to be the friend we need, reminding us not just to talk about the often closed discussions like pregnancy and fertility but to keep that discussion going to destigmatise our struggles and feelings of failure.
One of my favourite chapters to read though, was "How to Fail at Being Gwenyth Paltrow" which probably says more about my own insecurities than anything else. In this chapter Day dives unabashedly into discussions on body image, beauty, constant comparison, and being a woman in our society. She firmly reminds us of the futlity of comparing ourselves to others, not simply as an acerbic slap on the wrist, but by talking honestly and openly about how we are all guilty of doing it. As she questions what this obsession with body image is really all about, Day asks us to recognise what a waste of time it has becoome.
"The thing is, we're now comparing ourselves not just to our peer group but to people whose career is constructed at least partially on maintaining, perfecting and projecting beauty. And also to people who have enough money to employ personal trainers and plastic surgeons and vegan chefs, who are living a life that is beyond the means of most of us. To compare ourselves to that is madness; and yet we carry on doing it."
In a frank discussion, Dolly Alderton, one of several interviewees in the book, admits to the ways she might compare her own body to that of other women at the gym or the difficulty of her workout to theirs, as an almost knee-jerk reaction of self-criticism. And it's this honesty both in this chapter and throughout the book that stops it feeling like you're being lectured by a well-meaning teacher and instead reminds you of an open, honest conversations between friends trying to reassure one another and help each other grow.
Reading How to Fail was like a breath of fresh air, inviting us not only to move on from our failures but to find a way to learn from them and perhaps to laugh at them in the end. In her introduction, Day recounts the unexpected and enormous popularity of the How to Fail podcast that inspired this book. She remarks that she had "long believed that being honest about one's vulnerability was the root of real sucess" but had never expected it to resonate so much with so many people. So the critical value of books and podcasts and conversations like these is that it's something that we don't all just relate to but that we really need to be reminded we relate to. We need to be reminded that it's not just us who make these mistakes, not just us who despair at our choices sometimes, not just us alone who often feel like failures. It's a book that I want all my friends to read and take to heart and one that I can imagine myself dipping back into whenever I need to be reminded that I can always learn and change.
"I learned that if your life is not how you want it to be, then it is never too late to change that life. You just have to be brave enough to take the leap over the side. It will panic you, and make you scared, but once you allow those feelings to subside and once the vortex calms, you will rediscover yourself and find that the world is large and beautiful and offers an endless opportunity to do different things."
It's described as part memoir and part manifesto in which Day takes us through the big stepping stones of life; families, friendship, work, and dating among others and she recounts with humour and sharp insight the ways in which she's failied but, more importantly, and key to the books manifesto, the ways that we can all learn from our mistakes. Peppered through these discussions, are the interviews with various writers and creatives with whom Day explores these key aspects of our lives.
I sped through this in record time, pacing myself a little so I could take in each page. How To Fail was so immensely easy to read because for me, I think, because it felt like sitting with a friend who was good humouredly regaling you with their past experiences that you could both laugh over together. Nestled into the humour and often more serious patches of the books chapters is the important but gently offered reminder that you are not alone in your feelings of struggle and that you can always find the way to circle back to yourself and move on again.
In some poignant pages of How to Fail At Relationships, Day reminds us of the importance of staying connected to ourselves in realtionships and avoiding the tempting trap of people pleasing. Such efforts to be the 'perfect' person and to do everything right in a realtionship is a way of disconnnecting from being yourself, Day suggests. She shrewdly observes how some relationships' failures rest precisely on that loss of self. "If you don't know what you need, it's much harder for people to give it to you," she says, "And when you're trying to be perfect, you're not being truthful about your own imperfections."
Equally important for me was the chapter on failing at friendship, in which Day recalls the ups and downs of both childhood and adult friendships. She reminds us of the true heartbreak of losing a friend, and that it can be no less painful than that of losing a partner, but in that same vein suggets we take more time to appreciate how important friendships are. Recalling a time when she fell "deeply platonically in love" with a new friend, Day's reminds us to think of our platonic friendships as just as important and influential on our lives as our romantic ones.
As Day's chapters take her further and further into adulthood she steps into an emotional but, in my mind, extremely necessary and honest discussion about fertility and conception in How to Fail at Babies. Reading through it, I was reminded how disappointing and damaging it is that so many of us are not taught properly and openly about fertility and realities of pregancies. Instead, as Day recounts, we're taught to avoid getting pregnant at all costs up until the moment you want a child, at which point we assume it will simply miraculously happen. It was a difficult chapter to read in many ways, and very personal to Day's own experience as are other sections in the book. I think, though, that it is all the more crucial in that way becuause Day steps up again to be the friend we need, reminding us not just to talk about the often closed discussions like pregnancy and fertility but to keep that discussion going to destigmatise our struggles and feelings of failure.
One of my favourite chapters to read though, was "How to Fail at Being Gwenyth Paltrow" which probably says more about my own insecurities than anything else. In this chapter Day dives unabashedly into discussions on body image, beauty, constant comparison, and being a woman in our society. She firmly reminds us of the futlity of comparing ourselves to others, not simply as an acerbic slap on the wrist, but by talking honestly and openly about how we are all guilty of doing it. As she questions what this obsession with body image is really all about, Day asks us to recognise what a waste of time it has becoome.
"The thing is, we're now comparing ourselves not just to our peer group but to people whose career is constructed at least partially on maintaining, perfecting and projecting beauty. And also to people who have enough money to employ personal trainers and plastic surgeons and vegan chefs, who are living a life that is beyond the means of most of us. To compare ourselves to that is madness; and yet we carry on doing it."
In a frank discussion, Dolly Alderton, one of several interviewees in the book, admits to the ways she might compare her own body to that of other women at the gym or the difficulty of her workout to theirs, as an almost knee-jerk reaction of self-criticism. And it's this honesty both in this chapter and throughout the book that stops it feeling like you're being lectured by a well-meaning teacher and instead reminds you of an open, honest conversations between friends trying to reassure one another and help each other grow.
Reading How to Fail was like a breath of fresh air, inviting us not only to move on from our failures but to find a way to learn from them and perhaps to laugh at them in the end. In her introduction, Day recounts the unexpected and enormous popularity of the How to Fail podcast that inspired this book. She remarks that she had "long believed that being honest about one's vulnerability was the root of real sucess" but had never expected it to resonate so much with so many people. So the critical value of books and podcasts and conversations like these is that it's something that we don't all just relate to but that we really need to be reminded we relate to. We need to be reminded that it's not just us who make these mistakes, not just us who despair at our choices sometimes, not just us alone who often feel like failures. It's a book that I want all my friends to read and take to heart and one that I can imagine myself dipping back into whenever I need to be reminded that I can always learn and change.
"I learned that if your life is not how you want it to be, then it is never too late to change that life. You just have to be brave enough to take the leap over the side. It will panic you, and make you scared, but once you allow those feelings to subside and once the vortex calms, you will rediscover yourself and find that the world is large and beautiful and offers an endless opportunity to do different things."
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